Have you ever wondered why two people can see the world in completely different ways? One person may view the world through rose colored glasses while the other has a paranoid, pessimistic outlook on life. The truth is that we all see things in the world through our personal mental filters. In fact, it’s impossible to see them any other way!

A cup of coffee is the result of hot water mixing with ground coffee beans. However, to make the drink enjoyable, it must first pass through a filter of some sort. Because a mushy soup is not worth waking up for, this step ensures that we only allow into our bodies that which is desired. In the same way, our mental filters only allow us to perceive things in our preferred method.

It is important to understand that we all have mental filters and they are all quite different. Our mental filters exist because of our experiences, interests, and even personality traits (such as introversion and extroversion). Literally everything that we experience affects our mental filters in one way or another. For example, a car wreck may enhance one person’s fear of travel while a workplace party can cause an employee to view his coworkers in a more favorable light.

I’d like to give you an example of how our mental filters are affected by things that go on in the world. A few weeks ago there was a tragic event in Paris. I think we would all agree that each of us had some sort of reaction to it. A lot of us changed the way we went about our lives in response to it. Many of us were angry, some were scared, and others felt helpless. Whatever we felt, it’s safe to say that our view of our world and how we walk around in it changed — most likely forever. (If the Paris attacks did little to faze you, perhaps remember back to the days and weeks following the 9/11 attacks.)

While large-scale events tend to impact a large number of mental filters, smaller occurrences can have just as much power. Special moments such as receiving flowers from a loved one, snuggling with a blanket on a rainy afternoon, or enjoying dinner with friends can positively influence our filters.

A problem arises when our personal filters become so rigid and focused on negativity that we no longer experience any joy in life. The negativity that we allow in can easily become all-encompassing. Our relationships, work, peace of mind, and even mental and physical health can be put at risk! It’s dangerously easy to assume that all these things are simply results of the world that we view as a terrible place to live, but the trick is to realize that our own filters are the root of the problems.

How can you recognize that your mental filter is in need of repair? Pay attention to your body.

• Physical: Do you suffer from constant headaches? Are your muscles tense? Does you have lingering stomach pain? Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
• Attitude: Do you have a sour attitude? Are frown lines becoming apparent? Have other people mentioned your attitude or temper? Do you whine and gripe a lot?
• Mood: Are you depressed? Have you felt unmotivated to do even the things you love? Is it hard for you to get started on tasks? Is it difficult for you to find anything positive in the world (or even in your relationships)?
• Energy: Is it difficult to get up in the morning? Do you feel like just lying around or taking a nap in the middle of the day? Is it hard to find the energy to do regular chores or grooming?
• Sleep: Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? Are you waking up at odd times during the night and unable to fall back asleep? Are you unusually tired throughout the day?

These signs and symptoms could be telling you that your mental filter needs an adjustment! There are plenty of things in the world that can contribute to a negative outlook, but there are also plenty of things that can contribute to a positive one. The good news is that you get to choose!

While it’s true that we are always viewing the world through our mental filters, it is also true that we can examine our filters and change them should we choose to do so. Since we can’t always control what comes into our environments, how do we go about making sure our filters are set the way we would like for them to be set?

• First, we have to stop and think rather than just reacting. Our world is moving fast. There are too many things in a day to do and we often forgo thinking time in order to try and keep up. If you don’t stop and think about what you are thinking you will automatically default to a reactive mode.
• Ask yourself whether the way you are thinking serves you well. If so, leave it alone. If not, isolate what you are thinking and go through the steps of examining your thoughts.
• Ask yourself a few questions to find the foundation of your mental filter.
  • You should always begin by asking yourself, “Is this true?” A good supplemental question is, “Is there anything else that is just as true or more true?” These questions allow you to move beyond your own opinions or beliefs to discover the facts surrounding a person, place, object, or event.
  • “How else can I think about this?” Answering this question will require some brainstorming on your behalf. Can you choose to see something in a more positive way? Try to remove fear and condemnation and focus on any good qualities you can find.
  • “Would that new way of thinking serve me better?”

Thinking back to the Paris example, we each get to choose whether to respond or react. After witnessing such a tragedy, it would be wise to educate ourselves on the situation by using factual information, decide what changes are in order to keep ourselves and our families safe, and resolve to be alert and cautious when in public. Each of these is a rational response. On the other hand, it would be detrimental to watch or listen to everything about the event over and over again (essentially scaring ourselves because we want to be scared), stay indoors and refuse to live our lives, or become hyper-vigilant and suspicious of everyone else. These are knee-jerk reactions and they are highly unnecessary. The goal is to positively respond to events and ideas rather than react with negativity.

There are a lot of things in the world that we can’t change, but our thoughts aren’t among them. Changing our thoughts can mean the difference between sulking through life stressed, depressed, or defeated and walking about in the world with peace and happiness.

A tool that I use often to examine things is the continuum. Just about everything in life can be put on a continuum. Continuing with the example of the Paris attacks, the way you now view the world could be assessed by the following continuum.

1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10

                                 scared                                                                 fearless

                                     mad                                                                 at peace

                                      sad                                                                 happy

Where would you be on this continuum? The most healthy place to be is in the middle. We should hover somewhere between 3 and 8 most of the time. To be at a 10 would mean you are in denial. To be at a 1 would mean that you are paralyzed and can’t move about freely. If you are too far out on either end, try going through the steps above. If you do this often enough you will begin to see things more calmly and peacefully.

It is important to be aware of your mental filters and how they affect your life. When in doubt, assess yourself by paying attention to your physical, attitude, mood, energy, and sleep characteristics and issues. Make the decision to use media (including social media) wisely. Make sure you are being informed rather than being persuaded. Respond to your own negativity by changing the direction of your thoughts. Never give up! Life is so much better when you choose to focus on the positive. Change your thoughts and you’ll change your life!

This is my second post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

In my previous blog, I talked about black and white thinking. A close cousin to that particular cognitive distortion is overgeneralization. Overgeneralization takes the tiniest little nugget of criticism and turns it into an all-encompassing thought process that distorts our reality and causes us to place limitations on ourselves in every part of our lives. The way that this happens is through our self-talk. The lens through which we see the world determines how we perceive and react to it. When things don’t go our way, we often become self-critical and the negative self-talk goes rampant. This causes us to create and operate from negative beliefs about ourselves.

One of the most common (and destructive) limiting beliefs that we have is “I never do anything right.” When we look at this objectively we can readily see that the word “never” is a problem. However, limiting beliefs are deep inside us and they pop up automatically. Because they are automatic we rarely stop and think about them the way we are here. Something fails to happen the way we planned and the automatic limiting belief “I never do anything right” pops up. We don’t question it, we just accept it as a true statement. The other word that is problematic in this thought is “anything”. Is it really true that you never do anything right? Probably not. Never and anything cover waaaay too much ground for what we are trying to express.

Another common and destructive limiting belief is “I’m a failure.” This can be closely tied to the “I never do anything right” belief. Again, the problem with this is that it means I am a failure all the time. This is obviously not true. A statement like this is perhaps the most damaging because it doesn’t leave room for change. When you buy into this fallacy, you think, “I’m a failure today, tomorrow, next week, next year, and forever. If it is something that I am, then it can’t be changed.” If success does happen to come along, it is dismissed as a fluke or a strange twist of fate. When you believe at the core of yourself that you are a failure you can’t take credit for anything because it would disprove your belief. We have to be careful of the labels we put on ourselves because our selves just might believe them!

Admit it: You’ve thought of yourself as a failure who never does anything right. Maybe it was last year when you burned Christmas dinner (while your entire family was at your house, of course) or this morning when you spilled milk all over the kitchen floor. For many people, one mistake or event reminds them of previous failures and they become overwhelmed by dwelling on their shortcomings. “I forgot to send mom a card for her birthday” leads to “I didn’t even call her last week” which leads to “Remember that time I broke mom’s favorite necklace?” which, in turn, leads to you thinking of all the other times you missed the mark. At the end of the road, you arrive at the false conclusion that you are a failure and you are unable to do anything right at all.

There are a few things you can do to overcome overgeneralization, but first I would like for you to understand what I’m talking about. I often talk about our need to “think about what we are thinking about.” This is called meta-cognition. Above, when I pointed out the two words that caused the difficulty (never and anything), I was engaging in meta-cognition. When a thought pops up that causes you to feel that all-too-familiar anxiety or depression, stop and think about what you are thinking about.

Here are a few steps to get you started:

• When you feel yourself become anxious, depressed, or afraid, stop and think about what you are thinking about.
• Isolate the problem words.
• Ask yourself, “Is this true?” or, “Is there anything more true?”
• Replace the words with the more true words.
• Restate the thought that brought on the anxiety in a way that is not only more positive, but is also more true.
• Repeat these steps each and every time the thought pops up.

Okay, okay. I know you are thinking that this is a lot of work to just replace some thoughts in your head. While it may sound a little tedious, I assure you that you will experience life-changing results if you decide to work your way through these cognitive distortions and the suggestions for changing them.

I know this to be absolutely true because it happened for me.

With the help of a good friend and mentor (these were the days before coaches) I worked through all of these steps and I can honestly tell you that I don’t even recognize the person that I was prior to this. My life was transformed. I know that’s a big word, but it’s true. This work absolutely transformed my life. If you would like a mentor (coach) to walk down this path with you, I would be honored to be that person. It makes me so happy when I see my clients put these things to work in their lives!

In case you haven’t noticed, my recent blog posts have been centered around limiting beliefs, which are sometimes called cognitive distortions. In his book “The Feeling Good Handbook” David Burns classifies our cognitive distortions into 10 categories. Over the coming weeks, my goal is to help you understand (and hopefully avoid!) each category in via a series of blog posts. Today we will look at the cognitive distortion known as black and white or all or nothing thinking.

As you have probably guessed, this particular distortion causes us to see things as either black or white. The problem with this is that much of our life is lived in the gray area between black and white. This is where perfectionist thinking can pretty much cripple you. If it has to be perfect to be useful, then most projects, people, television shows, or just about anything else you can think of will fall short of perfect and, therefore, end up in the useless category.

There are some benefits to black and white thinking. Things become predictable and even safe. If you are a rule follower, you love black and white thinking because there is only one right way to do something. There aren’t as many decisions to make, and you can lump everybody into either good or bad categories. You don’t have to agonize over the ambiguity. There is none. It is either black or white, good or bad, always or never, hot or cold, fast or slow, dirty or clean…you get the picture. Life just got a lot simpler! Not many decisions to make…or so it may seem.

The truth is, however, that we limit ourselves with these extremes.

If people are good or bad, where do you think you would fall? If movies are either the best or the worst, how many would you really enjoy? If food must be either hot or cold, how much would you enjoy your dinner tonight? How many outfits would you have to try on before work tomorrow if your clothing was either right or wrong? The “simplicity” that comes with black and white thinking can easily turn into a prison cell. Instead of freeing you from making the wrong decision, it keeps you from making any decision at all.

Think of how much more interesting the world is because of the various shades of color. Take green, for example. There is sage, emerald, olive, lime, and mint. Or yellow, which shows up as canary, lemon, gold, butterscotch, or mustard. Blue can be slate, cobalt, teal, azure, navy, or sapphire. If we stay stuck in our all or nothing, black or white thinking we miss out on all of the various shades of life.

Because of the sense of safety that the black and white thinking lures us into believing we have, it’s sometimes hard to break out of. But it’s definitely not impossible! Here are a few things you might want to try.

• Practice allowing yourself to make mistakes. When you make a mistake, own it and realize that it doesn’t say anything about you. It doesn’t say you are good or bad, smart or stupid, right or wrong. It’s just a mistake. That’s all. Nothing else. Learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward.
• Give up trying to control the outcome of things. You can’t anyway, so you might as well relax about it right? Realize that your lack of control doesn’t mean it will get out of control. All outcomes have positives and negatives. Learn to embrace both.
• Check the validity of your assumptions. When you catch yourself using all or nothing words like best or worst, smart or stupid, right or wrong, stop and ask yourself if that’s true. Is it true that it’s the best movie ever? Is it true that since your boss made a correction in your work that you are stupid? Is it true that there is only one right way to do anything? Just start noticing how many times you use these kinds of words.
• Open your mind to the fine nuances of the in between. Notice the subtle difference between buttercup yellow and mustard yellow. Can you appreciate both? Can you see the benefit of allowing both into your awareness. How does it feel to embrace both? In time, you can shift this “palette appreciation” technique to other areas of your life.

Be gentle with yourself. You most likely became a black and white thinker as a self-defense mechanism. It made the world seem safer. It will take some practice to let go of it and it probably won’t feel quite right at first. Just take your time. It will happen! Keep doing the work and before you know it a whole new world of possibilities will open up to you. It really is a nicer place when we live life in the gray area!