This is my tenth post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

While most of the cognitive distortions we have covered over the past few months have been fairly straightforward, the distortion associated with personalization and blame is a two-sided coin. On one side is the act of blaming ourselves for something that is not within our control. For example, perhaps you have thought something along the lines of, “He wouldn’t have lied to me if I weren’t so hard on him.”

On the other side of the coin, we can also blame other people for the way things are turning out in our own lives. For instance, I’m sure at least a few of you have thought something like, “If he had planned better, we wouldn’t be in this financial mess.”

In the first case, we are taking responsibility for something that has nothing to do with us. In the second, we are failing to take responsibility for something that we failed to do while blaming someone else for the outcome. In both cases we are personalizing. It’s either our fault or someone else’s fault. We are also blaming. We either blame ourselves or someone else for life events.

Let’s take a look at the first scenario. It may be true that I have unrealistically high expectations, but is it true that the only choice he had was to lie? This is the critical question. What other things are possibilities? It might be true that I need to work on my expectations, but that doesn’t give anyone else the right to lie to me.

In the second scenario, we have to ask, “How many adults are involved in this situation?” The answer, of course, is two. What was my part in the outcome? What could I have done to prevent this outcome? While it may be true that he is a poor planner, at some point I had to give away my power over the outcome of my own life.

I can almost hear you saying, “Yeah, but…there were extenuating circumstances.” I’m sure that there were. However, we can only control ourselves, our thoughts, and our behaviors.

What are the results of personalization and blame? Why does it matter so much? The result of engaging in this type of behavior is that we never get the chance to correct our behavior. If we assume responsibility for things that are not within our control, we allow the person with whom the responsibility lies to avoid dealing with their issues. We also cause ourselves undo frustration because we are in a no-win situation. We feel responsible for something that we can’t change. Our self-esteem takes a hit. We feel inadequate and helpless. Likewise, when we blame others for our failure to take responsibility we are not able to learn from our mistakes. After all, it wasn’t our mistake, it was the other person’s mistake, right?

Relationships are affected by blame being thrown back and forth. Accusations are hurled at each other and soon we are so aggravated that we don’t even remember what we are talking about. Neither party wins in this scenario. Words spoken are not easily forgotten.

Imagine a world where each person took responsibility for his or her own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Nice, isn’t it? It really can be that nice! The next time you start to blame yourself or someone else stop and ask yourself:

• Is this true?
• Whose fault is this, anyway?
• Whose responsibility is this?
• Do I need to do anything to correct the situation?
• What can I learn from this?

Personalization and blame come pretty naturally to us. They begin when we are small children. If we receive messages from the adults in our lives that this way of thinking is in our best interest (such as lying to get out of trouble, etc.) we continue. If not, we learn to take responsibility for our behavior. Unfortunately, many of us have had the former experience. You can learn these behavioral changes for yourself as an adult with intentional interventions.

This is the last of my posts on the topic of cognitive distortions. I hope these blogs have helped you learn a little bit about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that can sometimes be distorted. Good luck on your journey of changing your thoughts. You really can change your thoughts and change your life!

This is my ninth post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

The cognitive distortion of labeling occurs when we take overgeneralization to the extreme. We take a characteristic or a behavior of a person (maybe even ourselves), label it, and apply it to the entire person. If your boss is short and to the point, you may label him a grouch and everything he does would be forever seen through this lens. No matter what he does, you attribute his behavior to him being a grouch. No allowances are made for the fact that he is just a man of few words, is incredibly busy, or has other things on his mind. Nope—he’s just a grouch today, tomorrow, and forever in your mind!

Similarly, when you meet someone for the first time you could make a joke that falls flat. You immediately start blaming yourself for saying stupid things. In fact, you could even end up calling yourself stupid. You might even rant on and on about how you are so stupid. You always say stupid things. You never get things right. You should just keep your mouth shut! You get the picture.

Ever been there? I have. It’s not pleasant.

The problem with these types of labeling is that they are so global. We take a snapshot out of time, separate a particular behavior, make a snap judgement about it, label it, and then act on it. In the above example of the boss, your relationship will be defined by your assessment that he is a grouch. If your mind were open to other possibilities, you might have a great relationship and perhaps even move ahead in your career. In the case of labeling yourself stupid, your self-esteem will plummet and, if you are indeed a stupid person (like you say you are), you will begin to perform and behave like a stupid person (thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy). In both cases, you will discount any other information that might come up that would dispute your label. Soon, the label you create will feel more like reality and over time you will believe it as if it were a fact.

The problem is that this cognitive distortion is, well, a distorted way of thinking. Your boss might be a perfectly nice man who, under the right circumstances, is quite friendly and talkative. Making a broad assumption of this nature is almost never correct. We do a disservice to our boss as well as fail to allow a different sort of relationship to grow. You most likely are not a stupid person. You might have spoken out of turn or found something humorous that others didn’t appreciate, but that hardly makes you stupid. If these assessments are left unchallenged, you can see the damage they can do in your life. The result could be depression, despair, loss of self-confidence, or worse.

On the other hand, if you looked at these things as behaviors and not a characteristics, they would be changeable. We can’t do much about our characteristics but we can definitely change our behaviors. Instead of feeling hopeless, we can have hope for the future.

So, what can you do?

• When you first notice that you are engaging labeling, STOP.
• Remind yourself that this is not a characteristic, but rather a behavior.
• Describe the behavior.
• Ask yourself what the outcome would be if you or the other person changed the behavior.
• Would the label still apply?
• What would be a more accurate way to describe what you are labeling (the behavior)? Resist the impulse to make it global. Just because a person acted like a jerk in one situation doesn’t mean he or she actually  is a jerk all the time.

We are all guilty of labeling. Most of the time we are not even aware of it! Even if we are aware of it, we don’t recognize the harm it does to our relationships with others or with our beliefs about ourselves. Each time we label, a little red flag should wave in our brains to remind us to re-frame and restate what we just thought or said. In time we will fall out of the habit of globally labeling and our relationships with others—and ourselves—will improve.

If you would like some help with your cognitive distortions, drop me an email. I’d love to help you. Remember: when you change your thoughts, you’ll change your life!

This is my eighth post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

Should and shouldn’t statements are when we tell ourselves that things should be the way we have come to expect or that things shouldn’t be the way they are. We should or shouldn’t ourselves constantly but we rarely consider the damage it may be causing. These should statements about ourselves usually lead to guilt or frustration while should statements about others often lead to anger and frustration. So, why do we do it?

We might try to motivate ourselves to do something by saying, “I should be doing this or that,” or, “I shouldn’t be doing this or that.” If you think about it, this actually gives your power away. You are capable of making choices and decisions regardless of what you should or shouldn’t do. (Also, who decides what you should or shouldn’t do anyway?) The trouble with this is that we often get the opposite outcome. Instead of motivation we get procrastination.

I’m going to tell you a bit of an embarrassing story. I have been should-ing myself for over two weeks about writing this blog post. I can’t tell you how many times I thought, “I really should write a blog post. I should have written several blog posts before my holiday in England and then I wouldn’t be in this position.” My wonderful assistant, Austin, has been gracious, but he has a tough job. He has to remind me to submit a post according to the schedule we have made. Even then, I sometimes don’t, like this last week when I was away. In this case, my shoulds not only failed to motivate me to write the post, they caused avoidance so that I wouldn’t have to feel the guilt. I procrastinated!

If you have a bit of a rebellious spirit, should-ing yourself can call up that rebelliousness and then you won’t do it just because of the should-ing. How crazy is that? You are only rebelling against yourself! The moral to this story is that even though we all do it, should-ing ourselves just doesn’t work. It creates a host of problems. You would be better off just deciding to either do the task or not. Either way, it’s your choice. I would have been better off (and Austin would have been appreciative) if I had just said, “I’m not going to write a blog post while I’m away.” See how easy that was? It really is just that simple.

Let’s talk for a minute about shoulds that are directed towards others. Since moving into my house that we built a little over a year ago there have been many shoulds directed towards our builder and his subcontractors. The painters should have done a better job. The floor people should have used a different sealer. The people who bricked our house should have been more careful with the mortar. The carpenters should have been more careful when staining our cabinets. The granite people…well, we really couldn’t find any problems with their work! You get the picture.

Let’s analyze this for a minute. Do you think that all of this should-ing made me feel better? Nope! Not even a little bit. Did it get anything repaired or replaced? Nope again, not a single thing. What it did do is make me bitter. I allowed—did you hear that? I’ll repeat it.—I allowed myself to become bitter and have my joy in my new home stolen. Just in case you missed it, I’ll say it again. I allowed my joy to be stolen. I allowed myself to become bitter. My builder didn’t do those things; I did! That’s the problem with should-ing other people. It doesn’t accomplish anything positive whatsoever. It just makes us unhappy with our circumstances!

So, since this is something that we all engage in fairly often, we would be well advised to come up with a strategy to stop this unproductive self- talk.

While you are developing your personal strategy, you might want to take some of these steps and ask yourself some of these questions:

• Try to catch yourself when you say should or shouldn’t.
• Ask, “Says who?” (as in who is setting the standard of what should or shouldn’t happen)
• Ask, “Is this true? Is there anything that is more true?”
• Ask yourself if you feel better or worse by should-ing yourself or others.
• What would happen if you didn’t? What if you just let things be as they are with no shoulds or shoudn’ts?
• Reframe. Instead of saying, “I should be writing that blog post for next week,” say “I’m going to take a break this week because I’m on holiday.” Make note of which of these statements makes you feel in control.
• Have some compassion! We need more compassion in our lives. Allow yourself some compassion for not doing what you should have done. Allow yourself to feel compassion for others when they don’t live up to what they should have done. Most of the time our shoulds are not related to anything life threatening! Put it in perspective.
• Keep a record of when you do the things above and ask yourself how your outlook on life has changed. It helps to see that what we are doing is working.

If you want some company on your journey, ask a friend or give me a call. I help people change their thoughts and, therefore, their lives every day! I’d love to help you.

Emotional Reasoning is a cognitive process by which we believe that what we are feeling is true even in the absence of evidence that supports our feelings. In some cases, there may actually be evidence that disproves our feelings!

To recap what we have learned so far in this series, cognitive distortions are beliefs and thoughts that present themselves automatically and coerce us to believe they are true. They are invasive, stubborn, and often outside the realm of conscious awareness. Our task, then, is to become aware of them so that they may be challenged and defeated when necessary. Emotional reasoning is a particularly hard distorted thought process to overcome because we are taught to “trust our gut.” If we trust our gut in this instance, we will act on thoughts and beliefs that could become very limiting and cause full blown panic disorder.

The most drastic case of emotional reasoning that I can think of is an incident from my own life that had very serious consequences. Like many other people, I am terrified of heights. My husband and I were visiting Sedona, Arizona with some friends. We thought it would be fun to rent ATVs and explore the area. Call me stupid, but I didn’t realize we would be traveling along mountainous terrain where there were no guard rails for safety.

I was terrified.

In fact, I was so terrified that I convinced myself that the only way to stay safe was to hug the inside of the mountain – as far away from the edge as I could get. As it turns out, that wasn’t such a smart move because my two right wheels became unbalanced as they went slightly up the side of the mountain and it caused the ATV to tip over with me under it. I ended up with a ruptured spleen, internal bleeding, and a collapsed lung (not to mention surgery and a long stay in the hospital). When I look back on that incident, I can clearly see that my emotional reasoning caused the accident. I was so convinced – based on my fear – that I was in danger that I over-compensated and caused myself harm.

Fortunately, most cases of Emotional Reasoning aren’t so drastic that they cause bodily harm. Unfortunately, they can and do cause psychological harm all the time. For instance, say I’m attending a meeting with my peers. They are smart people and bring up some items for discussion that I don’t have a clue about. My thought might be, “Oh, wow! I didn’t even know that. I’m really stupid!” Strong waves of inadequacy might flow over me and, since I don’t want to show my “stupidity,” I would keep quiet and not contribute to the conversation. After the meeting, the feelings of inadequacy stay with me and I become depressed and despondent. My self-confidence is at an all- time low, which shows up in the way I interact with my clients. From there…well, you get the picture. It is a downward spiral that can lead to negative consequences in all areas of my life.

While this is a fictional account of what might happen, it’s not far off of what has happened to me in the past. When emotional reasoning prevails, I am taking my emotions to be the absolute truth. If I feel guilty, I must have done something wrong. If I feel overwhelmed and inadequate, I must be a worthless loser. If I feel frightened, the situation I am in must be dangerous. The list could go on forever.

It is fortunate that we don’t have to stay in this spot. We can climb out, question our thinking, and come up with thoughts that are much more realistic.

Let’s look at my example of what happened on the mountain in Sedona. What if I had stopped for a moment and asked myself some questions? Might I have been able to bring some reason into the situation which could have prevented the whole unfortunate incident? While I can’t say this for sure, I think it might have. Let’s see what the process might have looked like.

• We start up the mountain and the fear threatens to take over. I think, “Oh no! There aren’t any guardrails. I’m never going to be able to go up this mountain.” At this point I have started the downward spiral.
• Is it true that I couldn’t go up the mountain because there were no guardrails? Plenty of other people were traveling up the same mountain safely. So, the point above is not true.
• Is there something else that is more true? No guard rail does not mean that I am going to fall off the mountain. “If I stay in the middle, away from the edge, I should be fine.” That thought sounds more reasonable.
• What is the evidence that I can’t make it up the mountain because there is no guardrail? I can’t think of any evidence.
• What is the evidence that I could make it up the mountain even though there is no guardrail? There are a lot of people in front of me and some already coming down who made it safely. As far as I know nobody has fallen off the side. This sounds like pretty good evidence to me.
• Conclusion: There is nothing stopping me from going up the mountain except my own fears which are caused by my own thoughts.
• Strategy: Stop. Take some deep breaths. Go through the above questions. Calm myself enough to continue or tell myself that I would rather not proceed even though the evidence is strong for the fact that I am not likely to fall off the mountain.

Even if I had chosen not to proceed I would have won over my thoughts. The important thing is that I recognize them as being distorted and unproductive. (Overcoming my phobia surrounding heights is for another post.)

The point I would like to make here is not that you should push yourself to do things you are afraid of. Rather, it is that you need to understand that your own thoughts are causing the fear. There are no facts to back up the fear. It is irrational. My guess is that I would have continued up the mountain safely, albeit somewhat fearfully. I would have made it down safely and I would have felt pretty good about overcoming the fear in the end. However, it would have been every bit as much of a victory if I had chosen to stay behind. I would have made the decision intentionally with full knowledge of the facts. Phobias are complicated and need more work than offered here, but this is where that work starts.

What about the “trusting your gut” thing? Someday soon, I’ll write another post about that, but for now I would just like to leave you with the thought that trusting your intuition is different than trusting your fear. While neither has a lot of supporting evidence, when we trust our intuition we usually do so with a sense of peace. There is very little fear. Even if our intuition says there is danger, we are making our decisions quite intentionally with thought clarity that surpasses that which is reasonable. When we are engaging in emotional reasoning there is no peace or clarity of thought.

Here are the steps:

• Identify what your emotional reasoning thought is. Be as accurate as you can.
• Ask yourself, “Is this true?” and, “What are the facts?”
• Ask, “Is there anything that could be more true?”
• What is the evidence for or against your thoughts?
• Come to a conclusion.
• What are your choices?
• Identify your strategy.

Distorted thinking is common. Not a single person is immune to it. We have a choice, though. We can let it disable us or we can take control of it. You better bet that if I’m ever put in a situation like the example above again, I will handle it differently. If you would like to handle your distorted thinking differently and you would like a coach to walk the road with you, please give me a call. I would be honored to be the one you choose to take along with you.

This is my fifth post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

Jumping to conclusions is the only exercise some people get.

Do you know a person eager to find the worst explanation for another’s words or actions? Have you ever been in an argument with someone over something you didn’t even do? I’m sure we’ve all been on both ends of this problem at some point. When something goes wrong or a routine gets disrupted, it is too easy to assume the worst about our peers and circumstances. However, the way we look at each event or person is a deliberate choice over which we have complete control.

Jumping to conclusions is a negative thinking pattern developed by making pessimistic assumptions that are not supported by facts. This dangerous phenomenon can occur in a couple of different ways: mind-reading and fortune telling. When you are mind-reading, you assume that others are negatively evaluating you or have bad intentions for you. When you are fortune-telling, you are predicting a negative future outcome or deciding that situations will turn out for the worst before the situation has even occurred.

It’s natural for us to make assumptions and inferences about whatever is occurring in our environments, and we jump to many conclusions every day as a result. It is only damaging, however, when we actually believe our assumptions and inferences are factual and true without digging deeper to find confirmation.

Here’s an example that may seem familiar to you. A few minutes ago, my husband said something to me to which I replied, “What?” He noted that my tone was a little off and assumed I was upset. He jumped to that conclusion based on what he assumed that my tone meant. The fact was, however, that I was focusing on something else and he had simply interrupted my train of thought. In truth, I was a little irritated. But I was not upset or angry like he assumed.

Looking at this example a little more deeply you can see how we assess the things that are going on in our environments and make judgments about them constantly. We couldn’t stop doing that even if we wanted to. But when we don’t allow for the possibility that we are wrong, we will soon find ourselves in trouble.

Almost immediately after my response, my husband asked me if I was mad. I answered that I was not mad—just preoccupied—and we went on with our evening. He did a few things right in this situation. After making the inference, he asked me for clarification. When he found no evidence to support his inference, his thoughts took a different route and no problem occurred.

Sometimes we don’t get the chance to clarify with the other person. All is not lost! We can do something called reframing.

Let’s say that I get up and go to the fridge to get my orange juice just like I do every morning. My husband has already left the house when I discover that the carton is almost empty. My first reaction is to assume that my husband had drank all of the orange juice and I might infer that he is thoughtless and rude. If I go down this road it is likely that a problem will occur at some point, ending either with me directly questioning my husband (possibly in a raised voice) or me in a grumpy mood to start the day.

I could, however, STOP and ask myself some questions like, “Is it possible that he didn’t even have orange juice this morning?” or, “Is there any evidence that he was thoughtless and rude?” or even, “Is there another possible explanation?” I could reframe the way I thought about it and could say to myself, “Hmmm, I guess one of us forgot to put it on the grocery list. I’ll do that now and pick some up after work.” If I frame my thoughts in this way, no problem occurs. I go on about my day and my husband isn’t even aware of any of my thoughts. As you can see, this method is good for all parties involved.

Reframing is a skill that you can develop. It is really all about the stories that you tell yourself. If I tell myself that my husband is thoughtless and rude, I will have one reaction. If I tell myself that it was an oversight, I will have another. The choice is mine. With enough practice I can retrain myself to stop jumping to negative conclusions without evidence. I will never stop assessing my environment and drawing conclusions, but I can automatically begin to look at the positive possibilities and realize that I can choose to tell myself any story I want. When I have reached that point, a shift in the way I am thinking occurs and my world becomes a little less threatening and hostile.

To recap, here are the steps you should take to stop jumping to negative conclusions:

• As soon as you realize that you are jumping to conclusions, STOP.
• Ask yourself some questions like, “What are the possibilities? Is there evidence that supports my negative inference? What story am I telling myself? Is there another story that I could tell myself?”
• Make a choice to keep your story or change (reframe) it.
• Ask for clarification if you have the opportunity.
• Most of all, keep an open mind. Realize that, while it is natural to make assumptions and jump to conclusions, your thoughts are not necessarily factual. Be willing to change your mind and tell yourself a different story.

While it is not an easy to change your way of thinking, it can be done! If you would like help with your negative thought patterns, drop me an email. The journey is not such a long one when we walk it together! Change your thoughts and you’ll change your life!

It is infinitely easier to criticize than it is to appreciate people or things just as they are. As humans, we tend to find faults and disappointments in even the happiest of occasions. For example, imagine having dinner at a nice restaurant with a loved one. Even if the food is perfect, you could still think that it took too long to cook or that your server wasn’t attentive enough. At work or in your relationships, it is easy to remember your shortcomings rather than dwelling on your positive qualities.

Have you ever wondered why this is?

Discounting the positive is a habitual way of disregarding our successes and strengths while focusing instead on what we consider to be our weaknesses and our failures. In our minds, if something isn’t perfect it is, by default, flawed. Since perfection rarely, if ever, exists in our world, pretty much everything is considered a failure or flawed in some way. Therefore, since perfection as unobtainable, we choose to view ourselves more as a mixture of failures than a collage of successes.

So, what happens when we discount the positive things in our own lives? There’s a laundry list of terrible side effects such as feelings of inferiority, lack of confidence, bouts of depression, loss of energy, and loads of procrastination. Not a pretty picture! If the lens through which we see the world is programmed to see the negative, we shouldn’t be surprised if we only see the negative. If people in our lives try to congratulate us on something, we tend to discount it. If they want to help us celebrate our success we are embarrassed and discount or downplay it. We walk around in the world with a “yes, but…” response to everything. When we “yes, but…” everything we deny ourselves the joy of enjoying our success while also denying the people in our lives the pleasure of gifting us with their praise and good wishes.

Assuming this is true, why do we do it? I have a theory.

We are actually getting something out of it.

But how could we possibly benefit from denying our strengths and downplaying our accomplishments? We lower our expectations of ourselves so that we don’t have to perform. After all, if you were successful at this endeavor then what could be next? Will you be expected to repeat this success (or even worse exceed it)? We become scared of the possibility so we discount it. We refuse credit for it. This is what we call a fear of success. Do we do this consciously? Of course not. We aren’t crazy! When we think about it logically it doesn’t make sense. And yet we do it. Some of us do it all of the time and then we wonder why we have no confidence, why we procrastinate, and why we are down in the dumps.

So, what is the way out of this trap that we set for ourselves?

Remember, I said this is a habitual way of seeing the world. Habits can be changed. They can be discarded and new ones can be developed! That’s the good news! I won’t lie to you though, there is work involved. One thing to remember about the work involved is that you can have positive thoughts about it and, therefore, look forward to it or negative thoughts about it and, therefore, dread it. If you dread it, the work will be hard. If you look forward to it, the work will be a source of pleasure and you will motivate yourself to keep going. The choice is yours.

• Identify the problem. For instance, you may recognize that you can’t accept a compliment. That’s the problem.
• Recognize how you do it. Going with the above example, you may discount the compliment by saying, “Thanks, but…” and making an excuse.
• Ask yourself, “What’s behind this?” Maybe you don’t feel deserving of the compliment or you are embarrassed at the attention you are getting. Perhaps you have a fear of future expectations if you accept the compliment. This awareness is important. If you don’t know why you sabotage yourself, it’s hard to change your response.
• Identify your triggers. (Someone compliments or congratulates me.)
• Identify where you would like to be regarding the problem. (I would like to be able to accept compliments with grace.)
• Visualize the solution. Imagine yourself accepting a compliment with grace. (I will smile and simply say, “Thank you.”)
• Create your strategy. (The next time I feel the urge to discount someone’s compliment, I will say, “STOP!” in my head and instead say, “Thank you.”) This step is important. Don’t allow yourself room to argue with yourself. See yourself as a person who accepts compliments with grace and a simple “thank you” will be sufficient. Resist allowing yourself to elaborate. Just say, “Thank you.” That’s all! You can add more later, but keep it simple right now. The simpler it is, the more likely you are to remember it on the spot and be able to implement your intention.
• Celebrate your success! Allow yourself a moment to feel the pleasure of having accepted a compliment without discounting it. Allow yourself to really receive the compliment and realize that this is something important. It is important for you to feel affirmed and it is important for others to feel good that they acknowledged you. This is likely to be uncomfortable at first, but do it anyway. Soon you will be able to feel the warmth that someone’s appreciation brings!

We only talked about receiving a compliment in this example, but there are lots of other ways we discount the positive in our lives. An example from my own life that happened just yesterday is that I was in a bind for time. I had some errands to run and only about 45 minutes to get them all done. People were out Christmas shopping which made it difficult to get around. Delays were inevitable. I became grouchy. Bah! Humbug!

I was rushing into a store to make an exchange when I heard the most beautiful singing. I looked around to find the source. It was a Salvation Army bell ringer. “Don’t make eye contact,” I told myself. “I have no time for this.” I quickly realized my mistake and, in my head, said “STOP.” This woman was singing her heart out for me. But, I had no time (and if I make eye contact, what else will be expected from me?). I’m glad to report that in this case I followed my own advice. I stopped, received her gift, told her what a beautiful voice she had, dropped a few dollars in the bucket, and continued on my way. How did this change my day? It got me out of my Scrooge-like mood and made me realize that all I could control was the way I was thinking. When I did that, my day suddenly got better and I proceeded with a lot more patience and a much better attitude.

What compliments have you been denying yourself? Take a moment to reflect on your strengths and accomplishments. Stop being afraid of the great things you have done! You don’t have to flaunt them to the world, but you should allow yourself to take pride in your best abilities. And, if your good work raises the expectations of others, move forward with the confidence that you can handle anything that life throws your way. When you seek positive things, don’t be surprised when you start to find them!

Change your thoughts and you’ll change your life!